Friday the 13th for NES is fucking awful. A terrible, shambling wreck of a game that, much like Jason Voorhees, refuses to die. I was unfortunate enough to have this game as a kid and my inability to make even a small amount of progress in it still haunts me. Some nights, I wake up in a cold sweat and find myself screaming, “GEORGE, WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING SLOW!?”
I have been to Camp Crystal Lake. I have heard the shrill uncontrollable bleeping of countless young campers being slain. I have been stalked by zombies, attacked by crows, and lost in an endless maze of trees. I have stared in to the absolute definition of terror time after time and failed.
But not tonight. Tonight, I drag Jason Voorhees and his horrible NES cart STRAIGHT DOWN TO HELL.
9:00 PM: Okay, here we go. I’m not fucking around here. I am going to pull out all the stops right from the get. I’ve got GameFAQs open and I’m going to be cheating every single chance I get. Starting off with Mark since the internet tells me he’s the best.
9:15 PM: Mark just got a lighter. According to the wonderfully detailed intro, apparently I have to light fireplaces. Is Jason afraid of fire? I thought it was water.
9:17 PM: Found an “important” note in a cabin: GO IN TO THE CABIN NEAR THE CAVE. The map says there are 4 cabins by the cave. BE MORE SPECIFIC, cryptic faceless note-writer!
9:21 PM: Swapped with Chrissy near the forest and she just beat the shit out of Jason. I pegged him in the head like 5 times with some rocks. It’s super effective. I ended up saving George, which is a total shame since it’d be easier to carry around a George-sized body bag than to actually play AS George.
9:30 PM: Okay, that didn’t go so well. Swapped with George because Crissy was half dead. Used his fat ass to wander around the trails until I found a dagger and some red stuff. GameFAQs says that it’s a bottle of vitamins, but it looks more like bug juice. Anyway, I had to swap with Laura to fight Jason and she got SMOKED. Jason’s got a machete now, which is a little crazy considering Laura only had ROCKS. Regardless, 1 counselor is dead and I’ve only got like 3 of these fireplaces lit. Not looking good.
9:32 PM: OH SHIT YEAH! MARK HAS GOT THE KNIFE AND HE IS CARVING ZOMBIE ASS LEFT AND RIGHT.
9:34 PM: …oh god. Jason killed Mark. Oh my god, no. What have I done?
9:36 PM: Okay…okay. Debbie is dead now too. Clearly I don’t fully understand the ducking/dodging move in the cabin fights. I’m down to 3 counselors and 1 of them is George. Outlook is grim.
9:41 PM: By some twist of fate, George KO’d Jason. He had to drink like 3 bottles of bug juice to do it, but I guess it was worth it. At this point I’m a little concerned that I don’t know the objective here. Do I just keep killing Jason or should I be lighting fireplaces? I should be using this GameFAQ a little more, methinks.
9:47 PM: Paul just killed Machete Jason near the lake! Is this progress? Maybe. At least I was able to save the lives of two faceless little kids.
9:51 PM: I got sloppy. Paul got ambushed in the lake by water zombies and Crissy got a Jason Axe right to the face. Everyone is dead but George and he’s only got two slivers of health. I don’t even know why I’m stopping to update this. George is as good as dead.
9:52 PM: Oh man, the machete just appeared. Zombies go down in just one throw. Could this be the miracle George was looking for?
9:54 PM: Nope. Nope, not at all. George is dead. Everybody is dead. Starting a fresh game.
10:00 PM: Off to a much better start here. Mark lit a few fireplaces, knocked over Jason and just got another “important” note: THERE IS A MACHETE HIDDEN SOMEWHERE IN THE CAVE. Yeah, no thanks.
10:05 PM: Crissy was too late to save some campers. Big deal. I’m sick of these campers already. I’m not much better off, kids. I’ve got rocks. You’ve at least got your youth. Debbie tried to take on Machete Jason and she bit the dust.
10:15 PM: Not making much progress. Missed saving another set of campers because Paul was too busy pimp-strutting around. Ryan is playing this in the background for moral support. It’s not helping.
10:17 PM: Laura successfully navigated the caves. Got a key and the knife AND made it to the secret room with Jason’s Mother’s head. The head kicked my ass. So, currently Debbie and Laura are dead.
10:20 PM: JASON KILLED MARK. WHY WOULD HE KILL MARK. MARK IS MY FRIEND. I LIKE MARK A WHOLE LOT. WHY WOULD HE KILL HIM. WHY?
10:21 PM: This is getting really taxing. Taking a quick break to get a drink and hit the bathroom.
10:30 PM: OH GOD. THE TOILET IS CLOGGED. ALL OF MY WORST NIGHTMARES ARE COMING TRUE ON THE SAME NIGHT.
10:40 PM: Crisis averted. Toilet is flowing freely. I’ve got a beer (I need about 100 right now) and some coffee cake. This game is going down.
10:45 PM: Mark and all of the girls are dead. Specifically having a real hard time with these cabin fights. I can “sort of” dodge Jason’s attacks but I can’t even figure out what button is making that happen. Really, almost everything that has to do with control in these cabin scenes is awful. I’m having flashbacks of the interior parts of Goonies II, which is kind of awesome because I love that game.
I do not love Friday the 13th. I don’t even like it.
10:48 PM: Went back and bolded all the time stamps because it was more fun than playing Friday the 13th.
10:55 PM: Here’s what the game just told me: JASON WIPED OUT THE KIDS. GAME OVER. I beg to differ, if I’ve still got two playable characters alive, the game is NOT OVER. You can’t just cut me off because a bunch of snot-nosed little asshole kids got murdered. How can this game expect me to carry on my duties as a camp counselor when there’s a masked lunatic throwing axes at me? You want me to set up Arts and Crafts in the fucking lakeside cabin while this guy is literally raising the dead? What do you want from me, LJN? Why would you even make a game like this!?
11:07 PM: Okay, crunch time. If I’m going to beat this game while it’s still Friday the 13th, I’m going to have to get the big guns. GAME FUCKING GENIE.
11:16 PM: OH HOW THE TIDES HAVE TURNED. Mark might have infinite life. Got the machete and killed Jason X3. Moving right along now that I’m cheating.
11:25 PM: Unfortunately, infinite health doesn’t help you navigate these woods. It just means I’m stuck here FOREVER.
11:30 PM: Found a note that told me to visit a cabin on the lake. Found ANOTHER note in a cabin by the lake telling me to go to a cabin by the cave. MAKE UP YOUR MIND GAME! I HAVE 30 MINUTES LEFT.
11:33 PM: After defeating Jason like at least 100 times, I got a “cut scene.” Here’s what it says: WATCH OUT..JASON’S STILL ALIVE AND STRONGER THAN BEFORE!! That’s right. Two periods and two exclamation points. This game is just wonderful.
11:37 PM: Killed Jason’s Mother’s head on day 2 and got her gorgous pink sweater. Luckily, putting it on makes my character’s shirt and shorts violently flicker between green and white. Because that’s what magic sweaters do.
11:46 PM: Now the game says: YOU STILL HAVEN’T DEFEATED JASON.. AND HE’S EVEN STRONGER!! This means I’m on to the third and final day. Honestly, after seeing what I’m seeing, I would have never beaten this game legitimately.
11:50 PM: Okay, just beat Jason’s Mother’s Head again and got the PITCHFORK. Wow, this thing is tough as nails.
11:53 PM: Holy shit. I met Jason on the road and ripped him a new one with the pitchfork. Apparently… that was it? That was the whole game? I guess, I beat it? Well, Game Genie beat it.
An Afterword:
I can’t even believe the kind of torture they expect you to go through in this game. Now that the clock has stopped, I have some time to explain what went on here. The game does a really good job of making you believe you’re on this semi-interesting scavenger hunt for items and power-ups and clues. But that’s complete bullshit. If you have the skill and the knowhow (Obviously, I did not) you can pretty much beat this game by just standing around and answering the Jason alarm when it goes off. Apparently, even the fights with Jason’s Mom’s head are completely optional. Sure, that’s how you get the pitchfork, but you would have already had to survive 2 grueling days of fighting Jason over and over and over again.
This is absolutely not an understatement, once I popped on this Game Genie and got moving, I still had to fight Jason like 50 different times before he was actually “dead.” By the way, here’s a quick video of the ending. You’ll note that it’s just that one goofy picture of Jason sprawled out on the ground like he just slipped on a fucking banana peel. There’s no congratulations. No thanks for playing. Not even any credits (I wouldn’t want to have my name on this thing either). They couldn’t even say GAME OVER or YOU WIN. Just: END. Thanks guys. Thanks a whole bunch. This game haunted me my entire life until I finally cheated my way to the finish line and for what? A half-assed picture of a drunk high-school janitor in a hockey mask.
Happy Friday the 13th. This game is shit.
