10.) Rabbit Ears (Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins)

For some reason, Mario games never presented us with a logical representation of animals. In Super Mario Land 2, if Mario eats a carrot, he grows rabbit ears. Now I’ve seen enough Looney Toons to get THAT reference, but what I don’t get is why Mario can flap his ears to glide. After thorough research and one Google check, I discovered that unless thrown from a cliff or building, rabbits can only hop and run. There was nothing in all my studies that said rabbits could glide. However, I have seen the movie Dumbo, and that was a god damned elephant that could fly. So, I simply applied the standard formula for calculating mass (m = W/g) to the average weights of an African elephant and a domestic rabbit. And my conclusion? Plausible.

Have you heard this fucking song?

8.) Boo Suit (Super Mario Galaxy)

Here is the take home point: GHOST MUSTACHE. If the crux of all Mario’s swagger and power comes from his mustache, then imagine the power of a ghost mustache? What could even stop that? Provided that Dr. Elvin Gadd has never invented a Magic Ghost Razor as some sort of twisted checks and balances to control Mario, I would say a hero in a Boo Suit is nigh unstoppable.

7.) Hammer Suit (Super Mario Bros. 3)

The Sledge Bros. / Hammer Bros. have been some of the most powerful adversaries that Mario has faced since the original Super Mario Bros. So, how awesome must it be to steal their abilities? Well, surprisingly mediocre actually, but you look badass, and that’s what really matters. The rarity of this suit, combined with how easily you can get hit while trying to throw hammers means I was always too scared to use it, leaving it even more ineffective. But effectiveness isn’t what really matters. Nine times out of ten, it never left my item bar. But man did my item bar look tough. And that’s what really matters.

6.) P-Wing (Super Mario Bros. 3)

Do you like to cheat? Are you a cheater? Then this is the suit for you. The P-Wing allows you to fly indefinitely, meaning you can bypass a whole stage that you weren’t man enough to finish on your own. I think P-Wing must stand for Pads Wing, which is probably what you are wearing if you use this item. Need a little extra help to keep your bleeding vagina clean? Take this.

5.) Mega Star (Super Paper Mario)

This one is a little bit more obscure as far as the list goes, from Super Paper Mario on Wii. Getting the Mega Star is a sort of mix between getting the Mushroom and the Star power-ups at once. You become huge and invincible; not only to all enemies, but the fucking stage itself crumbles around you. That’s right; you’re even invincible to the stage! To top it off, you become an 8-Bit version of yourself while kicking ass. For the best effect, do this while playing as Peach or Bowser. I have the strangest feeling that no one twenty years ago expected us to look at those sprites for more than a few seconds when they cobbled them together on a developer’s lunch break.

4.) Penguin Suit (New Super Mario Bros. Wii)

Remember the Frog Suit? How cool was that? Now imagine if it was better in every way. The Penguin suit allows you to swim effectively, but it also walks on ice, can belly slide for both speed and damage, and can shoot ice, freezing enemies in place. Bonus points for having a pun in the title, and because Mario wears his red overalls OVER the Penguin Suit. This is probably pound for pound the toughest power-up in the Mario universe considering how common it is.

3.) Feather Cape (Super Mario World)

Mario has had plenty of different flying power-ups over the years, but in regards to the flying/gliding technique, none has done it quite like the cape from Super Mario World. By touching a feather, (another weird, but comparatively LESS ridiculous item) Mario dons a cape, bringing new meaning to the name Super Mario. The key here, is the added in flight skills you have over other similar abilities. Mario can dive bomb, and fly almost indefinitely by pulling back on the cape. He also does this weird thing where he runs vertically up pipes, but that’s neither fun nor useful, so I won’t mention it in this article.

2.) Tanooki Suit (Super Mario Bros. 3)

The fabled Tanooki Suit. Now I don’t actually know what the fuck a Tanooki is. I had never actually heard of one outside of this game. But if what I’ve learned from Super Mario Bros. 3 can be trusted, then I imagine that seeing Jeff Corwin hunt one of these suckers down on Animal Planet would be pretty awesome. A Tanooki is a half bear, half raccoon love child. By beating their tail while running, they can fly for short distances. They do this to stalk prey from above, or avoid dangerous terrain. When threatened, a Tanooki can turn into a statue in self-defense and become invincible. Oh, and the statue looks like Mario’s grandpa.

UPDATE: Holy shit this is a real creature!!! Sweet mother, if Wikipedia can be trusted, and of course it fucking can, then a Tanuki is a half dog-half raccoon creature native to fucking Japan. Aside from the spelling of its god damned name, and shape shifting, it is a totally legit mammal.

1.) Kuribo’s Shoe/Goomba’s Shoe (Super Mario Bros. 3)

Did you think that the number one spot could be anything else? If so, then you are a goddamned fool. Answer these three questions: Have you ever died while in Kuribo’s shoe? Have you ever been happier than while in Kuribo’s shoe? Has Mario ever been happier than when you put him in Kuribo’s shoe? The answer to all of these is of course, undoubtedly no. There is a reason why this power-up is only in one stage, and in one game, because the developers fucked up by giving a gamer this much power. Green, wind-up, toy shoes are simply not meant to be in the hands…hahaha or FEET of mortals.